August 6, 2006

Lost, Alone, Confused, ...

Last few months have been eventful and brought a flurry of changes. When I was in college, I used to have my dinner alone and I pretty much aced this unsought act of eating alone and quickly. Now that I am living in a flat with college friends(became friends after coming here) spending a lot of time with them including dinner, I still feel alone. I have this queer syndrome of feeling alone when I am in a herd. Infact my whole unstructured thought process, way of living, way of delivering is haunted by a flock of queer syndromes. Cynical, as someone rightly referred me to be, I feel terribly upset when I couldn't convey my truest feelings to few people who matter most. I had a major misunderstanding with my sweetest friend, all due to my queer syndromes, and I wonder if I will be able to sort it out, if I will be able to tell her how important she is. She said that "the greatest crime is to hurt a heart that loves" and I believe I am the greatest sinner.

I stepped out of engineering college to start working as a software engineer. While everything is running as expected on this front, a lot of things are lacking in my personal life. I always try to keep myself busy even when resources are scarce but there are certain things I can't do away with, can't stop thinking about, can't let it go just like that. Thinking back about the opportunities I lost, the relationships which came to my door and I couldn't enliven or the dilemmas which engulfed me till I drowned, I feel it is better to start all over again. Like in a game of Age of Empires when the city is under attack, you build many layers of wall to prevent the rampaging army from entering, build barracks, archery ranges, watch towers hastily and devote all your resources just to build the army, even when you know it is just a peanut which will ultimately succumb. What is the use of resources and faculties if it can't give you life for a while? Finally after delaying the invasion for some time, you run away with the villagers to nearest ally and build all over again and fight back with valour. In my case, unfortunately there is no such ally I can look forward to and fortunately I'm not so hapless that I need to run. I have the resources with me but I need to wait for the right time to strike the iron.The problem lies inside and so does the solution.

PS- I am writing blog after such a long time and that too full of laments. Sorry people! I wanted to post about my college-end and job-start stories but at this point of this time, I guess this blog is more apt. I have decided to do things at the right time.Thanks to Ranjan and Naresh whose blogs inspired me to write.

5 comments:

Amod said...

Things just got better! :)

Rahul said...

Aayega baba aayega subka number aayega :D

Mirage said...

"The problem lies inside and so does the soulution".

When you know that, there's nothin to worry about! Just be patient... :)

Take care

Anonymous said...

" now thats life"..

[Amod] said...

You're right, anonymous!