April 29, 2005

Three years

25th February 2002: I filled up the form for DA-IICT
12th May 2002: National Entrance Test Conducted
24th June 2002: DA-IICT counselling, seat allotted
29th April 2005: Semester VI Completed
Three years have passed, three years of college, three years of ICT, three years of solitary confinement, three years of relentless rummage, three years of virtuous gentility,three years of something more...
So here do I stand at the end of third year of the coveted engineering(based on the major assumption that I'm not getting F in any course this sem). I've never been successful in envisaging about the future, but a reminiscence of past has always been rewarding.

Sem I- New day, new start, new friends, new motivation, new life.
Highlight: Hookup with a tall supposedly most beautiful girl of this college
Sem II- Carelessness, Sleep, Bunking, Movies, untidiness, recklessness
Highlight: Approaches to Indian Society result
Sem III- quagmire, homesickness, crushes, fighting with Hardik,developing some interests
Highlight:JAVA project and the world's most infamous viva, nightmare!
Sem IV- Coming back to life, cool, easy, information theory, thinking about GRE,CAT etc, self-motivation
Highlight: ummmmmmmm... none!
Sem V- Leaving hostel, Chakka's lectures, disastrous midsems, bewildered objectives
Highlight: Shifting to 1318, Sector-2
Sem VI- Ok this is fresh!! A synopsis!!

MCS- Attendance was a nightmare!! Due to some unavoidable circumstances I missed most of the attendance. Still not sure that he'll pass me or not on this basis. However the course was great, loved the concepts.
SEN- he he he ...roflol....
SEN project was epitome of teamwork, with everyone knowing how not to work and blame on others.
MLA- How three hours can change a life???A disaster!!! I gave 5 out of first 5 popquizzes, did well and was nearing a probable A, but last three hours of the course i.e. last lecture(sixth pop quiz, that I missed) and two hours final exam ruined everything. The quizzes I gave were of weightage 5 and some of 10, and last one which I did not give was whopping 20, and final I fucked up so A to C/D in 3 hrs, unmatchable!!!!!
RFE- I dont like smith charts. Actually if you're planning to make numerous circles on a piece of paper then make them concentric,otherwise it will look so dirty and messed up.
LAC- easyyyyyyy, ma'm always went easy on me... had fun discussing in class..never I opened my mouth more than what I did in LAC.

So this is the story, the languish end to a misery... and more to come!

April 17, 2005

A Vagrant's Quandary

I walk in the corner of a street or corridor always in my characteristic gait. Many ppl find it funny , because when whole path is empty why would someone follow the traffic rules, so tenaciously? Anyways, its my way of doing things, li'l bit whimsical but chalta hai, you too have some idiosyncracies of your own. I've been spotted trolling aimlessly in wee hours of night alone. Most of you have asked me what was I trying to do? Have I turned crazy? Why was I smiling?Or fallen in love kind of stuff, but I never answered to quench your thirst.When everyone else is doing something or other peacefully then why am I, despite having perfectly emblematic life, so tumultuous and living in a persistent quandary?

Not that, I'm searching something. Its not that I'm dreaming about a girl, hallucinating about being a very rich man some day or I've lost control over my mind. Walking in sham pathways of DA-IICT is not gonna yield me anything, I know, but it's all going on in mind which you can't see.What you see is me spending hours in lab, switching from one pc to another,wandering between my room, canteen and sportsground...certain expectations were belied. The whirlwind of emotions and thoughts, makes me so pre-occupied that sometimes I dont know exactly what's going around me. OK leave it, I don't wanna contribute my privy heartfelt feelings to Opensource community. I always think that I will just write simple day-to-day things in blog, but when I start writing, my unmodulated feelings overwhelms my self-control.

My vagrant life is attributed to the fact that I've insatiable hunger. Nothing satisfies me, unfortunately, and I'm not too willing to accept something against my basic instincts. Compromises are hard to make, and commitments even harder. To not value one's own words, is a one of my most hated standpoints. I guess, I have to be a bit more flexible to understand the society around me in a better way, and seek solace. And then I need to concentrate on certain things in a more focussed manner. Peace of mind will come only when I'm sated, and satisfaction will come only when I've agreed upon some covenant between me and people who know me. Let's see if I can strike a balance.

Recently, someone gave me liberty to peep into her life ...ok dont make any guesses, you don't know her. I saw a very sweet,li'l crazy friendly girl who trusted anyone she came across, and then her perfectly satisfied happy life was torn apart by a guy, who didn't knew that there are limits to something. Trust, relationships, betrayal and again trust... thats how life goes on?? isn't it? Her life was a mirror which reflected that why one should not just accept whatever comes their way. You gotta fight to make changes, and that is just because you are unsatisfied and this embarks restlessness. Probably that's why I do troll aimlessly knowing it won't do any good for me. Time is ticking away... *sigh*... take care

April 11, 2005

When you own nothing at all...

There is one girl. Her parents were rich, busy and not concerned about her. She was sent to a girls only boarding school right in her infancy. She was brought up there,lived there in the middle of other such children and learnt to live. She woke at a preset time every morning, had a fixed breakfast depending on what day it is, then followed the usual school routine. She comes back from school and she's allowed to play. Then she studies, have her fixed dinner and sleeps in the dorm with other kids she's been living with. Time passed, she grew up and had a tough time seeking solace. She never discovered her true self, always lived in a closed space amidst a bunch of similar ppl. She became claustrophobic. When she finished her high-schooling and came out of her cave, she was one such ill-tempered, rowdy, arrogant brat that people used to avoid. There was a desperation in whatever she did, because for the first time in her life she is interacting with world outside. For the first time, she owns something totally, apart from the cupboard and locker she possessed during her boarding school days. She never shares her things with anyone, and she's over-possessive about anything she owns.

Well, if I were her I would have done the same thing or I would have been even more wild. The desperation and the fact that time gone by never comes back, so what you missed is gone forever, is good enough to convert sanity into dementia. Most of us are very lucky, as we lived with our families and enjoyed the comforts of home. We had the liberty to eat whatever we wished and sleep whenever we felt like. Seeking solace was never ever something to worry, as we had ample time to rediscover ourselves and facets of life again and again. In short, kids who grow up at home have better personality developments than hosteliers, barring few exceptions. But how does it matter, when so many boarding schools are flourishing?

I'm always emotionally hurt when I see someone admitting kids in boarding schools. Nowadays, people are exploring better career options which require a great deal of time and resources. Some are so busy that they dont even have time for their family?? Whats the use of all this then?I just hope everyone gets love and affection in their lives, with their own people.

PS- The girl mentioned in this blog is real, and I accidentally surfed through her blog. She's marrying next month, so I just hope life gets better for her. I can't give her blog address cause I wrote this blog without her consent, so please dont ask. Thanks.

April 7, 2005

Where's my mind??

I had a tough day today... about 14 hours of coding in VB for that stupid SEN project( Retail Business Database Management Suite, big deal!!!). Well for those who are professional ones, can enjoy this but for a lazy slob like me, this is one of the nightmares which has gone into the annals of history forever. The best time I had today was the half-an-hour I spent listening to Bulla ki Jana lying on my bed at dusk in my room. Visual Basic is pretty user friendly, but I'm in no mood to befriend it for my life. Life as a software engineer???? Bullshit!! This sends a shiver down the spine. Banging your head infront of PC for 10 hrs a day atleast, what's left there to live??

Where's my mind?? Why do I always leave work to the end? The last minute working(LMW) syndrome has estranged my mind. Anyways, "where's my mind" se yaad aaya ki you should listen to the song 'Where's my mind?' by Pixies(Surfer Rosa) and it's also the FightClub's soundtrack. Awesome song, with divine music. Now, where's my mind really? I was writing about software project and my attitude towards work, but suddenly I thought about this song and .... where's my mind???? Why do I always think about right things at wrong time and wrong things all the time?If I don't get this back on track asap then, I should not even worry about cat. No, I'm not talking about that mew-mew cat, not that cat which chases the poor mouse, but the CAT which is gonna milk me dry on 20th November 2005.

BLOG hi jeevan ka satya hai. I wonder why I didn't realize the beauty of blogs till date. Already innumerbale numbers of blog have published to express the divineness of blogs, so no point in posting one more. But one thing is sure, blog-o-mania is ON.

April 5, 2005


LDR is Long Distance Relationship. It may be friendship, love, brotherhood, business contact or timepass etc. Like I'm living in some gandhiji nagar and one of my good female friend is in a windiest city in kiwiland(yes you, comments plz!!!)-the last tip of the world, I can hardly interact with her. When I left school then all of us(friends) promised that we'll stay in contact with each other. It started off pretty well, but then the initial fizz was lost. Away from sight and hence away from heart, is true, I guess. If I call up my friend in Bangalore now and tell him that "yaar, I'm having SEN lab now and I'm so bored. Writing blogs is fun, anyways I ate blah-blah for the lunch. And power just went off...", will he take it seriously? He doesn't know what's SEN at the first place and unless the lunch is yummy he won't even consider that... and hence starts the distance gap which is physical as well as emotional. So here's 100 rupees question, Can LDRs with someone you have already been with can flourish?

I love my cellphone... it's the best thing that I possess in my pocket. The instant way to communicate ppl around the world... but costs money! I don't mind spending few bucks for talking to an old friend, but generally the return response is not so enthrilling. SMS, what a beautiful thing?? But money matters.Email is an outmoded way of comm. Now I can't imagine myself writing long emails with proper punctuation to anyone except the faculties of my coll. Orkut, thanks a lot, you are a dream come true! The easiest way to communicate ppl is scrapping, the real fun of life! But this is accessible to only those who have literally free internet all the time... and not everyone is a geek. Yeah, there are few more ways but leave it.
Its not just the way of comm. which matters, what matters most is your relationship still afresh? Everything fades away with respect to time.If the other person is just a casual friend, then forget it! If the other person is your lover, then initially there'll be lot of compassion but then no one will prefer to stay burning with desire. You'll find someone else, s/he will find someone else and life will go on, unless its pure love which is rare. Quoting Pink Floyd's One of my Turns (one of mah favs, too),

Day after day, love turns grey, Like the skin of a dying man.
And night after night, we pretend it's all right,
But I have grown older, and you have grown colder,
And nothin' is very much fun anymore.

I've seen even best friends losing contact once they are out of sight. We make new acquaintances in our life, and settle down in a different place and whatever is left behind seems to be a distant past.

OK! enuf! Do you still think that you can deterministically say that you'll not leave people behind you? Trust me, after five years down the line it'll be very hard to stay in regular contact with college friends. The conclusion is fairly simple, live your life now. Enjoy, make the best out of it, live it to fullest, cause time gone by never comes back, stating the obvious. I cannot convince myself that I will forget people who come in my life, though I've enough reasons to believe so. I still feel that I'll be messaging to you, ten years from now. Will you do the same? *emotions overflowing**sob sob*

April 4, 2005

Retrospection of first 21 years of my life... Part II

Contd. from Part I ...

Lovelife was never kickstarted though I kept applying oil to the wearyteary parts of love engine. Though I took a couple of valiant efforts, and a couple of generous invitation fell on my side but I never got my mind into it. This is one area where I cannot afford to compromise. The wait may be painstaking but the reward is worth its value.As I have already stated somewhere that love is a monotonically decreasing function of time, so longer you wait, dimmer your chances are!! So the idea is simple, girls are welcome!

Academics, I could have scored a lot more than what I've got provided I had studied. But with my restless mind, I just cannot concentrate on one thing.But still I am deeply satisfied with my performance throughout my life.I have lived my life in shambles, totally disorganized in a state of anarchy and chaos. I keep my room unclean( kviv, dont comment) and there's no schedule in my life. I have heard of something called time management but never applied. Needless to say, I would like to amend this thing.

What do I expect from next 21 years of my life, assuming I'm alive and sane to celebrate my 42nd birthday?
* Do not repeat the mistakes that I have committed, half the problems will go away.
* Speak when necessary.It's good to value your words, but dumbness is not an invaluable trait.
* Dare to take risks, and dare to lose. But learn by experience.
* Don't live a sedentary life.
* Many more, time will come, not everything can be planned.

Retrospections are painstaking. You should never do that.

Retrospection of first 21 years of my life... Part I

Opening the book of my life....

I've turned 21 today! I'm 21, legally 'marriageable' but who cares for that, when you've to kickstart your own life.Its a great day for me, today I can see myself as a sane individual. The personality of a individual is greatly dependent on the way s/he is brought up as a kid (for all those who have attended my creepy 'Child Psychology' prez must be knowing). Right now, I feel I am standing on top of a tower and I'm seeing a newly born healthy baby named Amod and analyzing how he fared in his life in the given conditions. What I could have been and what I am are quite far away, but nevertheless I love myself and I'm grateful to all those who have showered me with their love and benevolence.

Childhood are best days of one's life. I have had a great caring family in sound economic condition hence I started better off than millions. I was introvert and never had urge to speak my heart out. Being the most silent kid, I was considered as a suspicious mysterious creature in class and my excellent academic performance( good ol' days) labelled me as intelligent, a burden that I had to carry unwantedly for all of my life. Today I feel I should have talked to a few guys because silence is intriguing and hardly gives you any scope to socialize. My family was li'l over protective about me which hindered my natural development to some extent, but they're right from their point of view. When my father got transferred to Muzaffarpur in 1992 I came to a bigger school and saw new kind of animals(ppl). I made new friends and learnt a lot. But I had never mustered the courage to do something different, though I always wished to. That is one part which I would like to change, incase I go back in time. Being selective is appreciable, but neglecting the basics is not, thats one more thing which needs amendment. I was never a deprived kid, I could've got whatever I'd have asked for but I never had any demands. Now I repent when I realize that I spent my kiddays without this. The kind of relationship kids share in school is purest, and those memories are most cherished.

I'm lucky to get good friends. I have really amazing friends who are good at heart(comments plz!!!). Back in school days, though I never cared to mixed up but I was always taken care of and considered to be a part of the group. Even in college, I'm so popular for absolutely no specific reason at all. And I've got lovely nicknames... and the story behind them is hilarious. But still when I see myself from top of that tower, I feel I have missed a lot. There were many guys(gals included, whenever I say guys) who wanted to be friends with me or I wanted the same, but knowingly or unknowingly I didn't realize it. I wish I find them again during my journey of life.